Written by Marie Norton

We arrive at the need to set boundaries out of desperation, no longer able to tolerate the punishment of being spread too thin and having our needs walked on. We aren’t sleeping or meeting deadlines at work. Our diets have gone to shit. Our children have grown an inch since we last looked at them. Every aspect of our lives seems like it needs more of our time, not less.

But we’re desperate. We try it. We gather validation for why our boundaries are important and screw up the courage to assert them. When it doesn’t go well, we capitulate and fall back into a state of anger and hopelessness, saying, “I tried setting a boundary and it didn’t work.” Maybe setting that boundary endangered us more than if we had never said anything at all. 

Boundary-setting is an essential skill for good mental health and relationships, yet, it frequently goes awry because we are operating under false assumptions about what it is. 

Here are four common myths. 

Myth 1: Others will embrace and respect our boundaries. 

We don’t realistically anticipate the other person’s response to our boundary. Our fantasy is that the other person will say, “Wow, that makes sense to me. I’m so glad you told me.” What usually happens falls on a spectrum from best- to worst-case scenario: 

Best Case: We tell our best friend to please take off her shoes when she comes into our home. “Of course,” she says, and slips them from her feet. The next ten times she comes over, she forgets. She isn’t trying to be difficult or disrespectful. She’s human and forgetful. We have to remind her many times to take off her shoes. Annoying but live-able. 

Middle Case: We tell our boss we can no longer work past 5 p.m. Our boss has our best interest and understands. But we’ve created a problem for the boss by setting a boundary. The boss needs coverage from 5 to 7:30 pm. We have to tolerate the discomfort that our boundaries have created a challenge for someone else. The boss will most likely return to us and press on our boundary. “There’s no one to work. Could you please do it just this one time?” The boss isn’t mal-intentioned; it’s just that you are the one who has usually solved this problem in the past by being accommodating. Why wouldn’t you do it again? To keep the boundary, you have to keep saying no. You have to keep tolerating your boss’s helplessness and expectation that you are the only one who can fix the problem. 

Worst Case: Our boundaries are met with passive or aggressive hostility. “How dare you?” “Who do you think you are?” The passive type will manipulate our boundaries back to what is convenient for them. The aggressive type will threaten and call names. When we’re successful at strong-arming a boundary with a toxic person, we never hear the end of it, even if it’s to remind us how much they are respecting our inconvenient boundary. The toxic person is threatened by our new boundary and can go to a lot of trouble to retaliate. 

In all three cases, it takes sustained effort and reinforcement. It can be a marathon in which our needs are never really understood or appreciated, but tolerated. 

Myth 2: Setting a boundary is a negotiation.

It can be. Perhaps we tell a friend, “I can only spend time together on Saturday afternoon.” The other person says that will be hard for them to accommodate, but they will make it happen; they want to see us that much.

On the other hand, the friend doesn’t have to accommodate our boundaries. Either they can’t, or they won’t. When we are the one who has chronically contorted to meet the needs of others, this can be particularly hurtful. We’ve done it for them. Why aren’t they reciprocating? We are under the illusion that life is fair. 

Myth 3: Setting a boundary is a way to have it all.

We set a boundary with work and are determined to leave every day at 5. Great. Declaring this, however, doesn’t mean we can, and will, get the same amount of work completed during normal business hours. It means we have to leave some of it unfinished. 

There’s often no joy in boundary-setting. It’s just a necessity. When we set a boundary, what we get is the boundary. It’s a big win for our self-esteem and personal resources. The victory parade, however, is often an internal one that can sometimes be tinged with sadness, loss, regret, anger. We did it because it was worth it more to gain relief, joy, freedom, autonomy, or fairness. 

Boundary-setting is a skill, an art, and a lifetime pursuit. We often brush up against the edge of what we’re willing to tolerate in other people’s reactions, or in our own internal discomfort. We get to know ourselves more deeply in understanding both what is lost and what is gained in setting a boundary.

Marie Norton is a licensed professional counselor in residency at Virginia Health Counseling under the supervision of Michelle O’Brien. She specializes in anxiety, weight management, diet fatigue, body image concerns, emotional eating, trauma, and chronic pain. She can be contacted at marie@virginiahealthcounseling, or 804-404-3164.